The Week Behind

The Krynn rule massive tracts of the cosmos. I can’t tell you exactly how much, because I don’t know – that’s just how damn big their empire is. My piddling little ships couldn’t reach the far side of Krynn space if they tried.

The Krynn have already assimilated many of the major races of the galaxy. Among these are the Drengin, a malevolent race of green hairy beasts whose nation pastime is techno-gladiator arena brawls. They believe that it is their manifest destiny to rule the stars, and their conviction is stronger than that of those puny human “Americans” of four centuries previous. Turns out that the Krynn are just as unwilling to take this lying down as the “Native Americans”, and rather more technologically advanced.

And here we are, the Terran Alliance, a weakling race of pacifistic technologists and do-gooders who like to steer away from conflict and make friends with all xeno lifeforms – however pungent and repulsive their respective odours may be. Our relative weakness has forced us to form an alliance with like-minded species, namely the Iconian Refuge and Arcean Empire. Together we suck slightly less profoundly.

That’s Galactic Civilizations II. If you were not taking short, gasping breaths and shuddering in orgasmic ecstasy as you read that then you and I are obviously of radically different species. If your pulse quickened slightly, there may still be hope for you. So don’t despair! Instead, download the demo here.

I couldn’t possibly tell you about my week without talking about The Sims (That’s true for most weeks). Sim-me is a father of three, a Star News Anchor, and acclaimed science-fiction author. He is best known for shamelessly stealing the names and plots of real-world novels and making oodles of cash for it. No-one seems to mind.

And… well, that’s it, really. I’m not trying to make his life more interesting than it would be, so it isn’t. It’s mundane, and writing about mundanity isn’t a good way to be interesting. In fact, it’s a good way to be mundane.

I’m just installing the Darkest of Days demo. Shall blog about it soon.

Working title, I should stress.

Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death!

The only grumble I have with Empire: Total War is the Road to Independence campaign. It serves as the game's tutorial, and it does that job well. However, if you want to play as the United States you'll have to play through the tutorial.

It's not there that my grumble lies. I'm quite alright with playing through a tutorial. I bloody well wouldn't play it again, but I can tolerate a single playthrough of a couple of short scenarios. The problem I have is with the third Chapter in the series of four (the fourth being the Grand Campaign), the War of Independence itself.

Beginning with the Battle of Bunker Hill (which you don't have to win; historically, British forces won a Pyrrhic victory and were forced to withdraw), you start with just the city of Boston and similarly small coffers.

All of the British cities are heavily defended, and the maximum military your fledgling nation can support at this early stage is barely enough to even take another city. Should you attempt to conquer neighbouring provinces regardless of this, the British will likely take the city of Boston while it's lightly defended. Drat.

It's probably not as hard as I'm making out. After all, it's very likely that I'm just as bad at Total War as I am at every other game.

I don't have any screenshots of Empire, so here's a picture of my desk instead:

Online Quizzes

“The Dream Job Quiz”

Alright, if you think you can judge my dream job better than I can, go ahead.

The best way to do this, I reckon, is to have one question: “What’s your dream job?”. But no, instead:

“What grades are you getting?”

Mostly Bs. What does my school performance have to do with my dreams? If I dreamt of a hundred beautiful women fulfilling my every desire, I’d be pretty miffed if it was then interrupted by logarithms.

“And what’s your best subject?”

Best, or favourite? Favourite makes sense, yes, but best? I don’t care if I’m good at maths and crap at sketches. My dream job can still be, say, an architect. Who on Earth would want to do something maths related?

I’m hoping flame doesn’t see the above question, or I may be forced to facepalm.

“What would you rather do?”

Sit Down, Stand Up, or Run Around.

Heh. That’s getting more sensible. Sit, what else? Doesn’t everyone dream of sitting uninterrupted and unchallenged, day in, day out?

Next question isn’t hugely original: How important is money?

A little. While dreams are all well and good, it’s important to be realistic. Born without brain cells or any shred of talent or good looks, I’m confined to the low paying jobs.

“Do you wanna be famous?”

Um, sure. That fits in entirely, and I don’t think I can mock it in any way. I’ll cry about that later.

“When there’s a project to do, you’d rather:”

Work with a team, solo it, make others do it.

Ideally, not doing anything and making others do your dirty work is the way to go. However, that would make me feel either evil villainish or Sir Alan Sugarish, so I choose to solo it.

“What do you wanna do after high school?”

Eh, go to college. More unrelated twaddle. Schooling isn’t a job. Pfft.

“Which would you rather win?”

An Oscar.

A Grammy.

A Nobel Prize.

An Olympic gold medal.

A Congressional Medal of Honor.

 

In my dream, I’d win them all. I’m quite the multi-talented individual in my dreams. I choose Oscar, for no reason other than that I have to choose one.

Next, do I prefer indoors or outdoors? Again, this one makes sense! Indoors, until they put TVs on every street corner, each playing either Sharpe or Star Trek.

“Finally, which reality competition would you totally nail?”

American Idol.

Wait, what?

Result: Local News Anchor

You're smart, sophisticated and ambitious. You love expanding your mind and sharing information with the masses...but you're not opposed to getting some major screen time, too. Good luck getting out of that Podunk town and going national.

 

Ahh. Thanks for that.

Adventures of Dante: Galactic Conquest

Greetings, weary traveller of space and time. Welcome to my grand palace, the source of all my power, and base of operations.

It is from here that I shall vanquish all that shall stand between me and complete domination of the galaxy.

Essentially, I’m sat in a shed playing Galactic Civilizations II. It’s a great game, though, and I couldn’t think of any game that I’d rather be playing in a garden shed.

GalCiv lets you create your own race, so I do. Thus, the Federation of Tasty Foods is born. I choose this sexy beat to be the face of President Dante:

 

The Federation is most notable for having the endorsement of Batman, with whom they share their logo:

And so my quest commences. Will the Federation unite the galaxy under the Bat-Signal, or will they be crushed in their futile attempts like so many before them? Stay tuned to find out.

 

Love you all x

Updates!

You may have a noticed the slightly new look to the site, and now anyone can post comments. Yey.

THE ADVENTURES OF DANTE

In light of recent events - no events whatsoever - I've decided that I'm going to write something. A series of somethings.

And thus, I am proud to announce THE ADVENTURES OF DANTE

Basically, I'm just going to write about what I've done in games, in an underwhelmed and sarcastic tone, as I'm sure you've come to expect. My suspension of disbelief is officially up for sale on eBay, so I'll be going at these games with a large, brick shaped brick, so to speak.

It's gonna be fun!

What I've Been Up To Lately

I'll get straight to the point here and let you in on a secret: I'm a really boring person. I might seem like Captain Kirk online, but in reality I'm more like Russell Kirk. Politic theorist? Sounds boring enough for me.

And thus, in no specific order, I present to you a list of things I've done lately:

Bought Call of Duty 4

Yeah, finally. I completed the single player in four hours, and was glad to discover that I couldn't reach level 55 in multiplayer in a similarly short space of time. That would be silly. There was a certain moment in the campaign that affected me quite strongly emotionally. I should blog about that in more detail sometime.

I Had My Hair Cut

A big occasion, and not an easy one to live through I'll have you know. It's now much shorter than I've had it in a fair while. Initially, I didn't like the new look. Now that I've got used to it though, I've decided it's not so bad. I can no longer hide behind my hair, or use my fringe to warm my face up, and worst of all I can't now pull two long bits of hair over my upper lip like a moustache. Despite this, I now look less like I belong in a 90s alternative rock group and more like a semi-productive member of 21st Century Society. Or a gay hairdresser. Whichever.

Went Outside

It was as scary as all the tales said it would be. Listen to me, patrons of the internet - I went out there so that you wouldn't have to. So believe me when I say this: it was bloody cold.

Apart from that, I've done nothing even half interesting. I'll strive in future not to be such a tedious person, if you all promise not to vote for any politicians. Vote Dante.

Thank you, and goodnight.