Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death!

The only grumble I have with Empire: Total War is the Road to Independence campaign. It serves as the game's tutorial, and it does that job well. However, if you want to play as the United States you'll have to play through the tutorial.

It's not there that my grumble lies. I'm quite alright with playing through a tutorial. I bloody well wouldn't play it again, but I can tolerate a single playthrough of a couple of short scenarios. The problem I have is with the third Chapter in the series of four (the fourth being the Grand Campaign), the War of Independence itself.

Beginning with the Battle of Bunker Hill (which you don't have to win; historically, British forces won a Pyrrhic victory and were forced to withdraw), you start with just the city of Boston and similarly small coffers.

All of the British cities are heavily defended, and the maximum military your fledgling nation can support at this early stage is barely enough to even take another city. Should you attempt to conquer neighbouring provinces regardless of this, the British will likely take the city of Boston while it's lightly defended. Drat.

It's probably not as hard as I'm making out. After all, it's very likely that I'm just as bad at Total War as I am at every other game.

I don't have any screenshots of Empire, so here's a picture of my desk instead:

Online Quizzes

“The Dream Job Quiz”

Alright, if you think you can judge my dream job better than I can, go ahead.

The best way to do this, I reckon, is to have one question: “What’s your dream job?”. But no, instead:

“What grades are you getting?”

Mostly Bs. What does my school performance have to do with my dreams? If I dreamt of a hundred beautiful women fulfilling my every desire, I’d be pretty miffed if it was then interrupted by logarithms.

“And what’s your best subject?”

Best, or favourite? Favourite makes sense, yes, but best? I don’t care if I’m good at maths and crap at sketches. My dream job can still be, say, an architect. Who on Earth would want to do something maths related?

I’m hoping flame doesn’t see the above question, or I may be forced to facepalm.

“What would you rather do?”

Sit Down, Stand Up, or Run Around.

Heh. That’s getting more sensible. Sit, what else? Doesn’t everyone dream of sitting uninterrupted and unchallenged, day in, day out?

Next question isn’t hugely original: How important is money?

A little. While dreams are all well and good, it’s important to be realistic. Born without brain cells or any shred of talent or good looks, I’m confined to the low paying jobs.

“Do you wanna be famous?”

Um, sure. That fits in entirely, and I don’t think I can mock it in any way. I’ll cry about that later.

“When there’s a project to do, you’d rather:”

Work with a team, solo it, make others do it.

Ideally, not doing anything and making others do your dirty work is the way to go. However, that would make me feel either evil villainish or Sir Alan Sugarish, so I choose to solo it.

“What do you wanna do after high school?”

Eh, go to college. More unrelated twaddle. Schooling isn’t a job. Pfft.

“Which would you rather win?”

An Oscar.

A Grammy.

A Nobel Prize.

An Olympic gold medal.

A Congressional Medal of Honor.

 

In my dream, I’d win them all. I’m quite the multi-talented individual in my dreams. I choose Oscar, for no reason other than that I have to choose one.

Next, do I prefer indoors or outdoors? Again, this one makes sense! Indoors, until they put TVs on every street corner, each playing either Sharpe or Star Trek.

“Finally, which reality competition would you totally nail?”

American Idol.

Wait, what?

Result: Local News Anchor

You're smart, sophisticated and ambitious. You love expanding your mind and sharing information with the masses...but you're not opposed to getting some major screen time, too. Good luck getting out of that Podunk town and going national.

 

Ahh. Thanks for that.

Adventures of Dante: Galactic Conquest

Greetings, weary traveller of space and time. Welcome to my grand palace, the source of all my power, and base of operations.

It is from here that I shall vanquish all that shall stand between me and complete domination of the galaxy.

Essentially, I’m sat in a shed playing Galactic Civilizations II. It’s a great game, though, and I couldn’t think of any game that I’d rather be playing in a garden shed.

GalCiv lets you create your own race, so I do. Thus, the Federation of Tasty Foods is born. I choose this sexy beat to be the face of President Dante:

 

The Federation is most notable for having the endorsement of Batman, with whom they share their logo:

And so my quest commences. Will the Federation unite the galaxy under the Bat-Signal, or will they be crushed in their futile attempts like so many before them? Stay tuned to find out.

 

Love you all x