Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Several Ways To Make Life More Interesting

1. Run. A lot.
A basic method, tried and tested. You will have heard the old cliche "Why walk when you can run?". Well, it's time to take that and apply it to real life. Try to lean forward slightly, look behind you occasionally as if you're being chased by someone, and make a special effort to push past people who aren't in your way. Basically, do an Altair.

2. Make a fuss about everything
You know how in the movies something really, really bad always happens? You know, because Rambo: Adventures in Tesco would be kind of shit. Chances are your life isn't an action movie, and you're unlikely to have to hide in a puddle of turd waiting for the sheriff to stroll through all happy like. You're just going to have to make the best of the cards you're dealt. Run out of milk? Fucking calamity. Look, if you don't run down to the corner shop and get some more milk ASAP, the UN will collapse, St Basil's Cathedral will go a rusty brown colour, and who knows, maybe the world will explode. It's all up to you, Manman! Whooosh!

3. Wear outrageous clothes
Life's more fun if you stand out. Wear things that no one else wears. Like socks.

4. Say random crap when things go quiet
The soft murmur of a roomful of talkative people. Or perhaps, a million voices crying out at once. Either way, they'll eventually be suddenly silenced. When this happens, say something stupid. For example, "And that's why I always drink talcum powder". Or something.

5. Get a catchphrase
All the hardcore d00ds have catchphrases. You can either make one up, or steal one, and then use it after you do pretty much anything. After your morning dump, for example, you may decide to stand up triumphantly and declare "I'm so proud of it, I put my name on it".

6. Do things because you can
Why are you putting that frozen turkey on your head? Because I can! Why are you trying to lock yourself in your car boot? Because I can! Why are you putting dog biscuits up your nose? You get the idea.

What? I was stuck for ideas. STFU.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Left 4 Dead

One thing that's been constant in all previews of L4D has been the attempt to instill a fear of the Witch in all readers. Naturally, this means that everyone wants to shoot the Witch because they've been told not to. Fortunately, while startling her is undoubtedly detrimental to your health, the fact that she stands triumphantly over you after knocking you over means that everyone else can then kill her without too much trouble.


Nor should you fire at abandoned cars in the street to alert the horde, and bring innumerable droves of the undead sprinting from every direction just because you want to kill more zombies.

It happens all the time though, doesn't it? It's sod's law. You tell someone not to do something, so they do, because they're a twat. Perhaps if all the previews had said "Setting car alarms off starts happy-happy-fun-time!", no-one would do it.

Still, despite the vast majority of L4D players being twats, it is an incredibly fun game. Although the demo is only one and a half levels long, it's too easy to waste hours on it. Valve have obvious spent the most attention on co-op, and consequently the single player is shite (Read: Decent enough because it's a Valve game anyway and they never fail OMG I love Valve plz secks meh).

I have a couple of issues with it. I think it would be better to stay in first person when you're pinned by a hunter, as I do so enjoy soiling myself. Also, there's... umm...

Alright, there's nothing else wrong, it's absolutely brilliant. Playing with the Three Alexateers last night was the best fun I've had in ages. Valve dominate single player with HL2, multiplayer with TF2, and now co-op with L4D. And they do make for some lovely abbreviations. Friendly fire is permanently on, but meleeing teammates doesn't hurt, so it's fun to watch their heads bobble about as you hammer the right mouse button. I love the the horror movie style "Save yourself!" moments, followed by hiding in a cupboard with a grumpy Ralf Harris lookalike. I love the selfish teamplay, when the player lowest on health is the one chosen to molotov the Witch in the face.

I love the toilet:

But I do hate it when gay sailors shut the door, ending the mission. Why did you do that?