Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Several Ways To Make Life More Interesting

1. Run. A lot.
A basic method, tried and tested. You will have heard the old cliche "Why walk when you can run?". Well, it's time to take that and apply it to real life. Try to lean forward slightly, look behind you occasionally as if you're being chased by someone, and make a special effort to push past people who aren't in your way. Basically, do an Altair.

2. Make a fuss about everything
You know how in the movies something really, really bad always happens? You know, because Rambo: Adventures in Tesco would be kind of shit. Chances are your life isn't an action movie, and you're unlikely to have to hide in a puddle of turd waiting for the sheriff to stroll through all happy like. You're just going to have to make the best of the cards you're dealt. Run out of milk? Fucking calamity. Look, if you don't run down to the corner shop and get some more milk ASAP, the UN will collapse, St Basil's Cathedral will go a rusty brown colour, and who knows, maybe the world will explode. It's all up to you, Manman! Whooosh!

3. Wear outrageous clothes
Life's more fun if you stand out. Wear things that no one else wears. Like socks.

4. Say random crap when things go quiet
The soft murmur of a roomful of talkative people. Or perhaps, a million voices crying out at once. Either way, they'll eventually be suddenly silenced. When this happens, say something stupid. For example, "And that's why I always drink talcum powder". Or something.

5. Get a catchphrase
All the hardcore d00ds have catchphrases. You can either make one up, or steal one, and then use it after you do pretty much anything. After your morning dump, for example, you may decide to stand up triumphantly and declare "I'm so proud of it, I put my name on it".

6. Do things because you can
Why are you putting that frozen turkey on your head? Because I can! Why are you trying to lock yourself in your car boot? Because I can! Why are you putting dog biscuits up your nose? You get the idea.

What? I was stuck for ideas. STFU.

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